You know those times in life where the dreams that you had hoped for have not all materialized the way you thought? Even those dreams that you have worked for and righteously sought after? I am learning a lot about that. My husband is sick and has been seriously ill and debilitated for a year now. So many of the dreams I had hoped for growing up are on hold possibly for good.
I have always loved children and wanted a huge family. After having my third child Max I remember having the strange feeling that this was it. My goal as a child was eight kids, yet here the spirit was telling me that this was all I would have. I kind of pushed that thought away. Rob and I had always had a child when the spirit prompted us to—(Well The spirit would tell me and I would tell Rob to start looking for his own answer.)—but as Max got a little older that feeling didn't come. As much as I love children when I thought about having another one I knew that something was not right about it. More specifically I knew that Rob could not handle another child.
When Max was two (about the time I felt prompted with the other two to have another baby) Rob started to get sick. He didn't know what was going on and dismissed what his brain was doing for a few months but in July of 2011 he plummeted. He was unable to concentrate well. He spent a lot of time so afraid that he couldn't move. He couldn't go out in public. He could barely leave his office. I found him several times huddled in a corner or a closet sweating and shaking, his eyes full of anxiety. For a year he has battled. There were late nights when I felt so overwhelmed and afraid I would just pray until I felt calm enough to sleep leaving him to fight the demons because I knew that if I didn't sleep I would get sick too. The children, with the noise and chaos that children bring, were impossible for him to handle. So I needed to be well to help them.
Rob was diagnosed with a severe panic disorder with agoraphobia and later developed obsessive-compulsive thoughts that centered on self harm. Thoughts that he occasionally indulged in.
This was not the perfect family of ten that I pictured walking into church every Sunday. Rob for a long time was unable to leave the house to go to church. He still can only handle sacrament meeting and only from the back of the chapel far away from people and as close to an exit that he can get. My family of ten has been me and my three trying hard to enjoy sacrament without being overwhelmed.
So my thoughts have rested a lot on why. It is painful to look at other women having babies and husbands who can fully participate in family life. I know it is wrong to do it but I often wonder why I am not worthy to have the perfect little family I dreamed of. Which one of my many imperfections has made all of this happen? The only conclusion I have is that I don't think our Heavenly Father works that way. Someone pointed out to me once that in the song about the wise man and the foolish man the rain and floods hit both of them. The story is not that one was wise and one was foolish and the foolish one was punished. The story is that hard scary things happen to everyone regardless of who we are and what we are doing. The way we survive the hard and scary things is by trusting that the Savior will help and having faith that our Heavenly Father loves us. Trusting in these thoughts and praying like crazy for help we can and will survive the storm. I know it because I am doing it. I have to say that there are many days when I feel like I will be washed away. Those are the days that I get on my knees and it is literally our Heavenly Father that raises my spirits to fight another day.
Rob is slowly getting better. Every time I hear him playing with the kids (which doesn't happen a lot but is happening more and more all the time) I have that hope that someday I will have that cute family that is able to play together and walk into church together. I am still coming to terms with the fact that I won't feel another baby kicking me from inside or kiss a sweet little cheek after a midnight feeding. All of the great names I have thought of for the next child will have to stay where I store all of those kinds of thoughts. I am not writing this post as a downer—"oh woe is me!". I am writing it to help me remember that when I do look around and wonder "why?" that there is only one person who understands perfectly that pain and he understands so that he can help. I am writing this to maybe possibly say to someone else that hard stuff, impossibly hard stuff has happened to me too and I am holding on like crazy. It might not be as pretty and graceful as many of the amazing women who surround me (and am so grateful to be in their shadows but that is another post) but I am holding on because I love my Heavenly Father and trust that whatever is going on He is aware and loves me.
21 comments:
This is so beautiful; I'm tearing up.
My theory: Heavenly Father knew this good man and these precious children would need a rock to make it through these storms. So He made sure they got one--you. Not because of any lack of worthiness, but exactly the opposite.
You really are amazing, Erin.
Oh Erin, you are a beautiful woman and such a blessing in so many lives. Rob is a lucky man. Hang in there. I'm inspired by your faith and your hope.
A comment was made in Relief Society today that knocked me sideways a bit. A sister shared that she once heard a temple president in a talk ask if those who have "perfect" families where every member is married in the temple to RMs and everywhere you look are pretty, tidy little bows, if maybe Heavenly Father didn't trust them with the hard cases.
Erin, you are who Heavenly Father trusts to lift and sustain this little family of yours, and every sacrifice you make secures immeasurable blessings in the life to come. It is a hard pill to swallow sometimes, I am sure, but know that so many around you admire and look to you as their example of faith and trust in Heavenly Father. I respect you and Rob so much.
*Hugs* Hang in there and know you are loved!
What a great tribute. Hang in there! It's refreshing when someone doesn't bemoan the 'why me' and seeks help to deal with it. I'm so sorry to hear about the issues Rob is having!! You will both be in my thoughts. Take care! Just think of all the grandchildren you'll have!! ???
This post had me teary eyed right from the beginning. And the entire time I read it all I could think about is something a friend told me.
God puts us through the things he does because he knows we can handle it.
and
You're different because Heavenly Father needs you to be.
There is a reason that all of this has happened. That you (and you're family) are going through this.
Many HUGS and Prayers!
Beautifully written, Erin. As I've learned from our own family struggles, the Lord is not only aware of us, but He also knows we have all eternity for our prayers about our children to come to fruition. Family does not end with our earthly experience.
I am a cousin of Rob's. Our grandfathers are brothers. Anyway, I loved your post. I too have suffered with these same things. It is hard but you just put one foot in front of the other and do as much as you can. I am glad he has a good wife like you to help and support him. All the best.
I love you.
Thank you, Erin. Thank you for the reminder of who is in charge, and for strengthening my own faith. You're an amazing woman. I am glad for the chance to get to know you. Your family is in my prayers. That little talk about the wise man and foolish man has saved me on so many occasions I can't begin to describe it. I have to remind myself all the time that it isn't about the rain, it's about where I built my house. Thanks for reminding me again. You *are* awesome. And those three kids are darling.
You are amazingly strong. When I was having a really hard time with Ethan, you told me that Heavenly Father sent him to me for a reason and that I was the best mom for him, even when it was painfully difficult. Even though they are very different situations, I think it applies to your situations as well. I love your comment about the wise man and the foolish man. And I love Heleman 5:12-- it is "when" the hard things come. I love you.
Thank you for sharing this. This is the first time I've ever laid eyes on your blog,but thanks to a tweet from your husband I found this post. Your words of hope and strength are exactly what I needed at this point, dealing with a similar situation in my own little family. Yeah, it's hard and it sucks sometimes, but it's what the Lord knows we can handle and what we need to go through -- sometimes I just can't see why, but that's okay; the Lord knows.
I never thought about the wise man and the foolish man that way, thank you so much for sharing.
I wish we lived closer so I could hug you in person, but I love you always!
I admire you for your courage to write this post, just as I've admired your husband's courage for publicly relating what he's been through over the past couple years.
In this "modern" society, people seem to have forgotten one of the most fundamental and traditional wedding vows ever "for better or for worse." I wish that would be re-worded to "through better or through worse."
I know this isn't the life you dreamed, but perhaps you are the woman your husband dreamed of. You've stuck with him through his trials and taken on his burdens as your own.
Perhaps you both feel weak right now. I assure you, I see two very strong people. For that, you are both rocks. You and Rob have my utmost admiration.
Erin - Thank you so much for sharing this post. As a mom of a son with autism, I've had so many of the same feelings. Parenthood is not at all what I expected it to be. There are so many things our family can't do because of crowds or noisy echoes (or my son is just having a bad day) that other families don't think twice about. What I've learned though is that through this not-what-I-expected journey, I have grown and changed to become a person with so much more depth and faith (even though I often feel inadequate).
I, personally, wonder how the nuttiness that is our life effects my other kids. As they've gotten older, I've watched them interact with kids at school and see that they have so much more acceptance for everyone and often seek out the kids who don't have many friends or who struggle to play with at recess or partner with during reading times. So, when I also question the whys of our family life, I try to think about the good our family has gained or learned from having autism as a part of our lives. Sometimes the list seems really short (usually when our son has a full day meltdown), other days the list overflows.
Another thing I 100% know is that Heavenly Father loves you, Rob, and each of your munchkins dearly. He knows exactly what you're experiencing and is there for you - anytime, anywhere. And when you need something a tad bit more, that's why we have chocolate! Big hugs, Erin, and thank you again for being brave enough to share your experiences and testimony.
Erin, I cried through your entire post. I love you and am so glad you are in this family!
Erin, there hasn't been a time in my prayers for your husband that you are not immediately followed. Thank you for sharing this. It echoes my own feelings, things I have learned, and it was a beautiful reminder. I hope someday you will be able to look at this life that is yours and feel all that you and your family have gained, mostly the capacity to love and be loved. Hang on. Love you both.
Thanks for the love and encouragement everyone! I loved to hear your stories as well. It reminded me that I for sure am not alone in the pain and heartache department. It also was an added strength to hear how you are dealing with life.
Rob and I have both felt very blessed by all of your prayers.
You are my chojo, and I love you.
What a blessing to have your gentle wisdom and insight lifting up my family.
What an achingly beautiful post. Is it weird to feel less lonely, and strangely 'lifted' from reading about your loneliness and hardship? Because I do. Bless you, bless Rob and bless your bedrock faith to keep lifting up the hands that hang down. Esp. when they're your own. Sending much, much love. In our next life, let's never move away from each other... I love you Erin!
Oh Erin I was crying reading your post! I'm so sorry that your dreams have dissolved into a very difficult situation. You know, that feeling happens to me too - painful aching inside because I w.i.s.h. I could have more children… =( You know I want to tell you that I have always admired your sweet dependence on the Lord. You are such a wise lady and your children and husband are so lucky to have you.
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