You know those times in life where the dreams that you had hoped for have not all materialized the way you thought? Even those dreams that you have worked for and righteously sought after? I am learning a lot about that. My husband is sick and has been seriously ill and debilitated for a year now. So many of the dreams I had hoped for growing up are on hold possibly for good.
I have always loved children and wanted a huge family. After having my third child Max I remember having the strange feeling that this was it. My goal as a child was eight kids, yet here the spirit was telling me that this was all I would have. I kind of pushed that thought away. Rob and I had always had a child when the spirit prompted us to—(Well The spirit would tell me and I would tell Rob to start looking for his own answer.)—but as Max got a little older that feeling didn't come. As much as I love children when I thought about having another one I knew that something was not right about it. More specifically I knew that Rob could not handle another child.
When Max was two (about the time I felt prompted with the other two to have another baby) Rob started to get sick. He didn't know what was going on and dismissed what his brain was doing for a few months but in July of 2011 he plummeted. He was unable to concentrate well. He spent a lot of time so afraid that he couldn't move. He couldn't go out in public. He could barely leave his office. I found him several times huddled in a corner or a closet sweating and shaking, his eyes full of anxiety. For a year he has battled. There were late nights when I felt so overwhelmed and afraid I would just pray until I felt calm enough to sleep leaving him to fight the demons because I knew that if I didn't sleep I would get sick too. The children, with the noise and chaos that children bring, were impossible for him to handle. So I needed to be well to help them.
Rob was diagnosed with a severe panic disorder with agoraphobia and later developed obsessive-compulsive thoughts that centered on self harm. Thoughts that he occasionally indulged in.
This was not the perfect family of ten that I pictured walking into church every Sunday. Rob for a long time was unable to leave the house to go to church. He still can only handle sacrament meeting and only from the back of the chapel far away from people and as close to an exit that he can get. My family of ten has been me and my three trying hard to enjoy sacrament without being overwhelmed.
So my thoughts have rested a lot on why. It is painful to look at other women having babies and husbands who can fully participate in family life. I know it is wrong to do it but I often wonder why I am not worthy to have the perfect little family I dreamed of. Which one of my many imperfections has made all of this happen? The only conclusion I have is that I don't think our Heavenly Father works that way. Someone pointed out to me once that in the song about the wise man and the foolish man the rain and floods hit both of them. The story is not that one was wise and one was foolish and the foolish one was punished. The story is that hard scary things happen to everyone regardless of who we are and what we are doing. The way we survive the hard and scary things is by trusting that the Savior will help and having faith that our Heavenly Father loves us. Trusting in these thoughts and praying like crazy for help we can and will survive the storm. I know it because I am doing it. I have to say that there are many days when I feel like I will be washed away. Those are the days that I get on my knees and it is literally our Heavenly Father that raises my spirits to fight another day.
Rob is slowly getting better. Every time I hear him playing with the kids (which doesn't happen a lot but is happening more and more all the time) I have that hope that someday I will have that cute family that is able to play together and walk into church together. I am still coming to terms with the fact that I won't feel another baby kicking me from inside or kiss a sweet little cheek after a midnight feeding. All of the great names I have thought of for the next child will have to stay where I store all of those kinds of thoughts. I am not writing this post as a downer—"oh woe is me!". I am writing it to help me remember that when I do look around and wonder "why?" that there is only one person who understands perfectly that pain and he understands so that he can help. I am writing this to maybe possibly say to someone else that hard stuff, impossibly hard stuff has happened to me too and I am holding on like crazy. It might not be as pretty and graceful as many of the amazing women who surround me (and am so grateful to be in their shadows but that is another post) but I am holding on because I love my Heavenly Father and trust that whatever is going on He is aware and loves me.
